Family is serious business.

Serious, serious business.

I should be writing a post about how baby Derek is 6 months old and brings joy to our lives and blah blah blah, but as we take family super seriously around here, I’m going to do an employee evaluation instead.

I sat business casual Derek down to go over it with him.

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Employee Name: Derek Jeffrey Magoo

Department: Entertainment (<18)

Position: Baby

Date of Hire: December 9, 2011

Date of Evaluation: June 9, 2012

Reviewing Supervisor: Lisa Magoo

COMMUNICATION

Description: Clearly expresses ideas. Readily shares appropriate work-related information.

Employee Rating: Poor

Comments: In the past six months, Derek has said precisely one intelligible word. He normally reverts to a primitive system of screams, cries, and grunts and often expects others to guess what he needs and wants.

JOB KNOWLEDGE

Description: Demonstrates expertise in the functional aspects of the job

Employee Rating: Exceeds Expectations

Comments: Derek is extremely entertaining. Whether hitting himself in the face with a toy or having extremely serious babble conversations with adults, Derek is entertaining to all.

PROBLEM SOLVING

Description: Reviews facts and data, uses sound judgement to arrive at the most logical conclusion

Employee Rating: Meets expectations

Comments: Derek has shown incredible progress in the art of getting food to his mouth. He’s mastered sitting and removing blankets from his head. Needs more work with crawling – often seen to push himself backwards and then become frustrated when he is farther from goal

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

Description: Builds productive rapport with employees at all levels of the organization. Treats others with fairness, dignity, and respect

Employee Rating: Poor

Comments: Often head butts people for no apparent reason. Vomits on others without warning or provocation. Refuses to acknowledge that others have needs of sleep, food, and urination, and screams when others attempt to fulfill these needs

CREATIVITY/INNOVATION

Description: Explores and suggests new approaches and methods to effect departmental goals and responsibilities

Employee Rating: Meets expectations

Comments: Derek has suggested new ways to use objects such as sucking on them, throwing them, and bashing them on hard surfaces. While this does not appear to be terribly effective, management appreciates the novel input. Employee is reminded that these tactics are especially ineffective with electronic devices such as phones and to cease further testing immediately.

DEPENDABILITY

Description: Consistently adheres to set work schedule

Employee Rating: Very poor

Comments: Derek is constantly reminded that the hours of 11pm to 7am are reserved for sleeping, but only recently has begun to respect this policy.

PROFESSIONALISM

Description: Employee presents and conducts their person in a professional manner

Employee Rating: Poor

Comments: Derek often reports to work in his pajamas. Clients are uncomfortable with the amount of drooling he engages in. Derek’s moods are unpredictable, and when he is displeased, he displays office inappropriate behavior such as screaming and sobbing.

SUMMARY

Derek’s employment with the company will be continued indefinitely as it would take approximately 40 weeks to acquire a replacement. He is reminded to continue to work at demonstrating more socially appropriate behavior. Follow up review recommended at the one-year anniversary of his employment.